NOW My Night with Francesco
Lying on my bed earlier, writing the entry this evening, I had no idea I was going to have the most amazing night tonight! Francesco called and asked if I was hungry.

(he was supposed to be on the North Shore tonight and seeing me tomorrow for a haircut and viewing of his movie. Last night he had a huge party for the premiere of his film, and Wednesday he moves to L.A. I missed the party because I was at Sergio's Memorial Fundraiser, which was my funeral for Sergio. Karen went and it was an insane party, great screening, Francesco lost the film in hard drive and was totally late starting the film, the guest were interesting and random but brilliant and it all ended skinny dipping at the beach in Lanikai. I wished I had been at the party part.)

So Francesco calls and asks if I'm hungry...he's on his way to my favorite restaurant for his final meal of my favorite meal, the kobe burger panini. I went and met him at Formaggio, a peaceful night there and Francesco at a corner table, half way through his burger, with roasted vegetables on the side! We immediately started talking about film and his film and my film and the experience of doing the exact same thing I did, except his was made while he was in a cult, and mine isn't done. He shared my diet coke and I bought his dinner. Then we went to his house to cut his hair and watch his movie. Yum.
After talking to Louie, we hung out in the kitchen and couldn't talk faster or laugh harder or have a more interesting conversation and then he took his shirt off. He is so perfectly beautiful. We then decided to cut his hair in the office with a mirror and plant perfectly placed. We talked.
Then back to Louie and the kitchen for cookies and popcorn, which he burnt in the microwave but we ate anyway because we were Hiigh Cllairee.
So then he grabs the standing thing that looked like a speaker, pulled it open into a huge screen, has me sit on the couch right in front of the screen, and I get my OWN PRIVATE SCREENING WITH FRANCESCO. So I got to go to Francesco's party after all, but I only saw Francesco the whole night. No noise, rude guests, weirdos, freeks or geeks.....just gorgeous him and me playing all over his house and being totally engaged every second. We watched his films and discussed them while we did, I spoke freely and loud. I loved them for the most part.
They are beautiful and he has amazing skills. He's profound. and yet not.
We discussed what i liked about them for a very long time. And then we go to his desk and watch the way it was before, other options, new cool scenes, AND THEN... we watch the other film and it was the most beautiful one. B E A U T I F U L one.
I could explain it all but it doesn't even matter. I was just floating around another planet and so beautiful, inspiring, romantic, artistic, I will think of this night forever.
Unless I actually wind up with him. Wouldn't that be a long way around. But Oh to Be So Lucky.
I could love him. I do, actually.

It is um...Monday, the 15th of September. How can it have been over a week since I finished PSI? It feels like a minute. They said I was on a PSI high. I don't remember. I do know that I still don't feel like the same person I was before PSI but it is a little more normalized now. Now I definitely feel like its time to do the work.
Interesting thoughts since PSI:
I spent the first three days telling my closest circle they should go to the Basic. So far Karen and Jennifer Quinn have signed up and payed, Lisa Maria and Sean are still working it out, Mo is making her plan to come here and go in October and Shelly is going to San Francisco in October.
Kola isn't saying no, Cheryl thinks its cute and Gloria asks why she should go if she already knows it already, and Colleen has gone home to trick her husband into going to SF too, in October. Annie will go in December and a few other people are waiting to hear about it from me still. I still have to do all my clients at the end of September so I'm planning for at least 10 more for October.
So what I realized after a few days was that I was spending all my time getting others to go and not doing what I needed to for myself. Malosi helped me figure this through and Karen has become a watch dog for my inner monster, selling me out for others.
Malosi said, "Make the things serve you, don't let you serve them." great advice.

It is midnight, Sunday Sept. 7th, and I have just returned home from completing the PSI Basic. I feel like the exact same person, but lighter, brighter, and there seems to be only ONE of me living in my body now. I don't feel it changed me, but I do feel like it completed me. For over twenty years, mostly since my mom died, I have been learning about myself and trying to become and be the best ME I can be. I have talked to hundreds of people, sharing every intimate detail of myself, openly and honestly, with no fear and hardly and preconceived judgments, AND YET, I've known there was something, some script, or secret program, or deeply held negative belief, that was keeping me from being whole, or able to be happy. Something that left me feeling cynical and untrusting of the world and myself. I thought I had looked under every rock, turned over every leaf, and studied every snowflake, looking for what it could be. I never found it so I reasoned, it must just be the lie of the world that my rightness can't survive in.
Then I played that game on Saturday night. I found the missing piece and now I am whole.
Turns out, I haven't thought I deserved to win. I thought my life was based on creating win win situations and yet it wasn't. Turns out I have been creating lose wins or win loses, but not win win. Either I had to suffer or others did, and it has usually been me. Every situation I've lost in, has been created by me so I could lose and others could win. I needed this set up so my experience could support my story and my self beliefs, which turn out to be quite ugly and negative.
I do wonder where I picked these beliefs up from but tonight I really don't care. I'm just glad they are in the light and I can look at them now and keep them from being re-created again in my life. I AM committed to continuing this work, so I will find them eventually, and need to so I can share my story to help others face the journey of looking for theirs.

Now I know I have found my purpose. I am going to be a PSI Basic Trainer. And filmmaker. Notice the two periods I put at the end of both.
Everything I've done in my life revolves around trying to enrich the lives of those around me. I take anything and turn it into a way to affect people's lives. I've discovered great truths and share them. I even work to perfect the ways I affect them. I'm always hungry for more knowledge and experience to share.
Well, Haaheo brought me to the mother lode.
I signed up tonight to staff the next basic. I will get the money to go to PSI7 and then to MLS, and then Principia, can't wait for the PLD, and plan to pack the Basics with everyone I know as long as it takes. Then I will attend the trainer training, wich is the least scary of them all for me. Haaheo says out of 43 applicants, they chose 3 to become trainers. This is where and when, the power that I have that attracts people to me, and my ability to speak to crowds, and my belief in these concepts, assures me that I will be chosen as a trainer.
Thereby fulfilling my purpose.
Haaheo has changed my life this week.
I am not the same person I was 4 days ago.

Today was a Wednesday.
I woke up and realized I left my phone at the theater last night. And then it rained. And I waited for it to stop, with no phone.
Moments later, the sun came out, full blast, and I walked over to Cheryl's house to see if she would look for my phone at the theater tonight, when she went back to see that awful show. LM had already called her to say the theater had called to say they had the phone.
then Cheryl walked me through all the costumes for the show coming up at The Kahala. "Atlantika" wow. as usual.
Then I walked to Kalapawai and got delicious coffee and sat on the beach, reading the weekly. One article says the theater that awful show is in, may fall down! What else could go wrong with that awful show?
Then I walked into Lanikai, to Gloria's. Where we gossiped and drank more delicious, Thanksgiving coffee.
Then I rode the bus to Waikiki, where I spent a few hours floating in the ocean! wow. as usual.
Then I went to spend the evening with Jojo and Mark and their adorable son, Subhash. We played with Play Doh, danced, played music, went for a walk, ate dinner watching the sun set, had bath time and then all crawled in their bed and read books to Subhash. His nickname is Subu. Jojo is an incredible mom. I didn't see it coming but am overwhelmed with how right she is for that job and I'm extrememly proud of her for it. I love them.
Then Cheryl picked me up there, and we went to dinner at an awesome Thai restaraunt. She ate, I had Thai tea and told her the history of Hawaii. She totally got it.
Then I came home to discuss Barak's acceptance speech tonight, and then the history and future of the human experience. Until midnight.
Then I watched the speech on youtube.
If he wins, I will pay taxes again.
He makes me want to participate again.
I love Barak.
I love Cheryl.
I love Gloria.
I love Karen.
I love Jojo, Mark and Subu.
I love floating in the ocean.
I LOVE HAWAII!

What a Wednesday!

Now I live in Hawaii again. My life here feels like one big, long recess on a tropical playground in paradise~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Except...
Nikolai is still on the mainland, waiting many months until he can clear the stupid quarantine.
I think about him all the time and it makes me sad. Constantly reminding myself of the positives to balance this feeling of loss.
And...
It's the hottest time of the year...Sept., Oct., Nov. I'm soaked all the time.
And...
The sky rocketing housing prices of the last 6 years, which haven't affected me for these same 6 years, are now trying to eat my head.
BUT...
Karen is overly generous with her house, saying its mine and making me feel extremely welcome and going so far as to say my being here makes her life better.
And...
Gloria is happily opening her house to me and calling her guest house, MY room, and leaving messages on my phone saying "come home!"
These aside...
My life here is just SO DAMN GREAT!
Tonight I went with Cheryl to see the new Waikiki show, "Waikiki Nei", to see what we think of it because she has been offered the job of "fixing" it. I went with an open mind. I wanted to love it. I watched it. I fell asleep once, for real. I hated it. And I LOVE EVERYTHING! My only comment, after, was, "start over". I just can't believe how bad it was. It cost $22 million.
ANd...
Now, on a daily basis, I go to Gloria's, put on my bibbed overalls, and garden all day! And when I need a break, I go down to her new house and have a latte, which she makes me from the machine built into the wall! And she only uses Thanksgiving coffee, from MENDOCINO! So it feels EXACTLY like a day in the country, which were some of my favorite of my life.
Um...
I am having one of the best lives ever recorded on this planet.
I wonder how I will die?
But no matter... its either going to be a big long, long, long sleep forever... or another adventure.

My neice has some good questions...

What evil bastard put an "s" in the word lisp?!

Why do they sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're AT the ball game?

Why does she live in Iowa?

I can't help it. I think Linsay Lohan is the most beautiful woman in the world.
She is the new Ann Margaret.

Sometimes I wonder where I've been? Who I am? Do I fit in?

Make believing is hard to do.

Out here. On my own.

I'm sitting here, in the passenger seat of my house, trying to write words to the song I wrote the other day for Heaven. Odd that some song that could or could not impact the world, could be written while sitting in an RV, in the Aloha RV Park, somewhere in the middle of the Silicon Valley, on a Tuesday afternoon. Its an odd lens with which to view the world. It all looks a little different when viewed past the Fat Man and the Retard. (these being my loving names for the freak show that live next door. did you know a L'il Rascal can be used as a car? well it can!)

Somehow there's something, something! I'm supposed to see, or learn, or feel, or realize or discover or uncover, or SOMETHING!, I'm supposed to get from living in this place.

It has something to do with....

www.packagedliving.com

www.compact living.com

www.mobileliving.com

www.independence.com

www.dinosaurs.com

www.overpopulation.com

www.classstruggle.com

www.retirement.com

www.disposablesociety.com

www.selfdefinition.com

www.rebellion.com

www.Japan.com

www.entitlement.com

Last night I researched turning your RV "green". For about $5000, the amount dI just spent saving my cat's life, you can make your RV totally self sustaining. You could buy a piece of property, anywhere but preferably in the forest near the ocean in Northern California, landscape the land with beautiful food gardens and medicinal plants, get water from your well and electricity from the sun and VOILA! You have everything you need to live in total luxury with a tiny carbon footprint! For very little money you can buy an older RV from craigslist, and make it a guesthouse! You could get a whole bunch of them if you want. For like $100,000, you can create a whole compound that is practically self sufficient.

There must be something about this that I am supposed to do something with....

Why, otherwise, would I be here? And not just be here, but, still loving it more than when it started.

There's something here.

I just don't know what it is yet.

Yesterday I wrote a new song, just the music, read almost an entire book about making documentaries, wrote a few pages in two different film scripts, watched 1 1/2 episodes of an Oprah interviewing Ekhart Tolle podcast, made spaghetti and took everything out of this RV that Nikolai might be able to jump on. Oh, I also went to the store and tried to carry 14 lbs of cat litter home on my bike but it didn't work. So now its Sunday, another day to fill with things to do while I wait for my cat to heal, keeping close attention on him so he doesn't jump or lick his incision. Do you know how hard that is? But harder may be just sitting here for days on end, trying to fill my time with things to do. I'll probably do all the same things as yesterday, only backwards, so it seems different.

In the middle of the day, in San Jose, the light does somethig weird. With no clouds in the sky, no smoke from the fires and no wind...it gets this very sharp, clear, crisp magnifying effect, where the outlines of everything...trees, cars, people, RV's, poles, streetlights etc... look like they are being lit with movie lights.  Being lit from all sides, even the bottom up, with this intense, white light. Then around my RV it gets even better. The ground here is covered with white gravel, so the intense light bounces off the gravel, like a photographer's silver umbrella, and makes everything look like its being lit with the Elizabeth Taylor, fuzz filter.  So everything takes on this beautiful, dreamy appearance. Did yo ever think you'd think an RV looked beautiful and romantic? Its possible. Come over in the afternoon someday. You'll see.

I didn't go to LA after all. But last night, Polly called from the Dianna Ross concert at the Hollywood bowl, and left her cel in her purse after she called me, so I got to listen to the concert on the phone. Except she didn't understand that pocket concerts are supposed to be THE ENTIRE concert, so she shut it off too soon. Apparently Dianna changed her clothes 5 times. That's a strange thing they do, but I love it. They must know that.

But when you go hear a speech, or take a class, or other events with a person on a stage...they don't change their clothes all the time, and we still pay attention. Wouldn't it be funny if Presidential candidates changed their clothes after they answered each question in a debate?

Or your teacher changed their clothes for each new chapter of a book or lesson? Or if your doctor came back into the examining room wearing a new outfit? And you clapped?

I wonder if Daianna Ross would do that if she became a doctor? Or I wonder if she does that at home during the day?

I think today I'm going to try to change my clothes after each thing I do,  and see what happens.

Wonder why singers need more clothes than everyone else? 

I've spent the last few hours taking everything out of my cupboards and drawers to build impenetrable forts on all flat surfaces in the RV. 

I have dvds sitting on oatmeal topped with a jade plant. I have guitars on sheets on bags on pillows.  There are also stairs made everywhere out of  pillows and pans and cases and bags and stools and chairs. 

For the next four weeks I cannot allow Nikolai to jump or run or play. 

He is supposed to be in an elizabethan collar in his cage but he's stretched out on a fur blanket on the bed. He's been asleep for hours, ever since he got home today, really. 

He seems a little drugged. I think there's some sort of drug patch on his right arm, being held on with blue tape. His collar is blue too and they look great on him because his fur is orange. 

But even on drugs and straight from surgery, he still wants to go outside. 

But only for a second and then he goes back to bed. 

Oh...here he comes...No... he laid back down.

I have been staring at this cat for a solid week now.

Now I have a dilemma. I have tickets with Polly Puckle, in LA, to see Dianna Ross at the Hollywood Bowl on Saturday and a plane ticket to get there on Friday. But Nikolai is coming home on Thursday or Friday. So I can't go to LA. But how can't I go? Wait. I'm getting a mentally telepathical message...What's that?...What's that Nik?...you WANT me to see DIANNA ROSS?! Oh, I couldn't go and leave you...you want me to? You're just going to sleep and lay around anyway and I deserve a vacation after this traumatic week?...Oh, you're so understanding and sweet! thanks, Nik. I'm going to sleep on it and see what I think tomorrow.

This week. 

My cat, Nikolai, 

woke up Monday morning lethargic

so I took him to the vet

we think he has a urinary tract infection

but find a ring? in his stomach in the x-ray

so antibiotics at home in a syringe and hiding

oh but he may have eaten rat poison

then we're closing so take him to emergency care overnight

for a thousand dollars

but I take him home instead and Gloria tells me how to heal him with my hands

and he lives through the night

so we go back to the vet on Wed

and they know it's rat poison now

but Dr. Eric, Richanne's brother in law, says no way

and Melinda gets the carecredit card for me with $5000 credit 

to go to the specialist with Mo

where in 15 minutes we had a plan

where 2 hours later they knew what it was,

and 2 hours and 5 minutes later he was in surgery

where he awoke 2 hours later

fine

ready to come home in 48 hours 

and return to normal.

They told me he was going to die four times.

The "ring" in his stomach was a penny. A red herring.

Turns out he had a herniated diaphragm so his liver and large intestine had pushed through the diaphragm and were in his chest, pressing against his heart and lungs. 

His diaphragm was stretched and shredded when he fell out of a tree and landed on a picket fence.

They figured that out in surgery.

for $5000

but they saved the penny for me.

I think I'll send it to carecredit as my first payment.

I still can't believe he's going to live.

Last week a very good friend drowned in Waikiki while free diving, which he loved. He was a great artist. He inspired me to make films, he was the director of photography of my first film and we shared the same dream.  The Film Farm. Sergio, to you...